The Pressure of Academic Success: Personal Reflections on Deception and the Pursuit of Perfection
"Repeat a lie often enough and it becomes the truth” - Joseph Goebbels
"Repeat a lie often enough and it becomes the truth” - Joseph Goebbels
As I sit at my computer, typing very quickly, I am overwhelmed with the many tasks that need to be completed. I am reminded of my homework deadline on Monday as I am still contemplating if I should pursue a career in the industry or academia. I haven’t also made significant progress with my research in over a year. I know progress is relative, but I am talking about progress that leads to a first-authored publication. That reminds me: who made the rules? Why do we have only twenty-four hours in a day? I think I am hungry too but I cannot stop thinking about ChatGPT, Transformers, LLM and how best to prepare for the future. I don’t even understand how it works in detail. I have watched Siraj Raval’s ChatGPT in five minutes. I know it didn’t take them five minutes to build. I remember Gary Marcus and Yann LeCun twitter bants about the future of AI—two prominent figures in artificial intelligence with contrasting beliefs. Truly, we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Academic pressure can be daunting, especially when your job may be threatened by AI. In the midst of this, I am reminded of a contrasting belief episode in my own life. There was a moment in my life that made me really wonder about the differences in the way we think. I was in my fourth year in the University. I had just completed an examination. It was typically those type of exams that you are given six questions and asked to attempt any four. Sometimes, the professor might be tricky and modify the instructions to “attempt question one and any other three”. I left the examination room with a swollen face. It was my deception, a trick I was an expert in. The goal was to pretend that the examination was incredibly tough. The reason for this is simple: It is better to pretend to fail and pass, than to be confident in your abilities and fail. This trick is prevalent in African Institutions. Why will you say the examination was easy? What if you fail? or how do you plan to pacify others that had a worse experience with the exam? You have to lie — maybe not you, but I did, and I was consistent with it. And as you rightly predicted, I always got caught. Whenever the results came out and my grades were not bad, I would say it was God.
The peculiar thing about this day wasn’t the examination I wrote. It was my interaction with a classmate. She had an impressive height but her compassion was taller. I remember how she softly said: “Tobi, why are you so sad? What is the problem?” It was time for me to begin my sequence of deception. “What I studied did not appear in the examination”, I said. “How did you answer questions 1Ai and 3Bix?”, I continued. It was customary for examination questions to have babies. And so for every four questions you choose out of 6, be that as it may, you may be indirectly answering twenty questions. My classmate looked with despair. “Is this why you are sad?”, she asked with a disarming smile. “The instructions stated very clearly: attempt any four questions”, she continued, holding the question paper with both hands, as she made effort to direct my gaze to the instructions brushing off the gusto of the wind.
I was quiet. I didn’t understand what she was trying to explain. I had read the instructions and I followed it. Why do you want to answer four questions when the instructions clearly stated you should attempt any four?, she said again but this time with a poker face. We walked out of the examination room with two contrasting emotions, my classmate looking stoic while I was looking confused, grabbling to understand the point she was trying to pass across. The Professor clearly knew that we won’t be able to answer all questions that is why ‘attempt’ was used rather than ‘answer’, she added. “And if it makes you feel better, I only answered two questions. Also, I also could not answer question 1Ai and 3Bix”, she retorted as she hurried to join the queue so as not to miss the University shuttle bus. After she departed, I went to the cafeteria, seeking comfort in my favorite meal. Since I couldn’t use lithium, which is a mood stabilizer, I relied on food to make me calm. After all, as Dr Mark Hyman, known for his expertise in functional medicine, rightly states: "Food is not just fuel, it's information. It talks to your DNA and tells it what to do”
I spoke with my classmate a few weeks ago. She is now a senior software engineer at a technology company in Germany and relocated last year with her beautiful family. She showed me several pictures of her son. Just like his mother, I saw a glimmer of compassion in his eyes. We spoke at length and caught up on old times. It’s quite hilarious, but whenever I think about her, the first thought that comes to mind is ‘attempt, not answer’. Now in the third year of my PhD, I miss those moments when I had to lie that things were tough. I miss those moments when my gloomy face was a pretense. I miss those moments when the goal was just to pass an exam. I miss those moments when textbooks had all the answers. Now my lie has now become my truth.
Great piece of writing, Tobi. We all need a friend like yours; whose compassion is taller than their height.
Thanks for this Tobi. Once again you have blessed us with your experience and thoughts.
When I started my MPhil, I was overwhelmed. In my first week, I constantly asked myself if I really wanted to be here. Interestingly, I wasn’t alone. In my 6th week now and I feel better.
I’ll be reminded to “attempt”.